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Itapos;s getting to be cooler out again and Iapos;m so excited because that means skateboard season is back Yay I love summer, donapos;t get me wrong, but fall through winter would be the best time of year in Texas because of the ridiculous heat; not cool But the summer has itapos;s perks, obviously, a break from school and worrying about tests or essays or homework you forgot about apos;till the night before itapos;s due. And thereapos;s also the great sport of wakeboarding. Iapos;ve been doing this has a small hobby since 4th grade and it has grown on me enormously. Itapos;s so laid back, along with all the people that choose to get into it and the boat life. Thereapos;s no criticism, except the constructive kind, and everyoneapos;s just out there to lay back, have a good time, and�ride some good sessions. The only downside to this great sport is that you need a boat, and the boats that perfect wakeboarding are a bit expensive, so only a few of my good friends familes have them. This expensive piece of machinary leads me back to my point of the new season: skateboarding. I have been participating in this sport, if you will, since 5th grade, but have been much more actively involved for obvious reasons. Now that itapos;s cooler outside, sessions will be longer and the overall mood of skating will change. A bonus to this great weather is longboarding as well, but unfortunately, living in Plano means I have to look for hills 90 of the time instead of just cruising along like some west coast states get to enjoy. I am excited to say goodbye to that fervant heat of the summer and welcome the cool fall breeze once again.

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The one bad thing about Gina making her Asian BBQ pork is the fact that it smells so good and I canapos;t eat it now. She goes through several steps applying the glaze to the pork, and every time she opens the oven I can smell it no matter where I am in the house.

This has been a pretty relaxing day. We went to the farmersapos; market and then Gina dropped me off on the way home so that I could get a haircut before the trip. I then walked home (about two miles, which is the most exercise Iapos;ve had today), grabbed lunch, and have spent the rest of the afternoon on reading, a little writing, and going through (just a little) work-related e-mail.

Tomorrow I need to grab a new shirt or two (I need some longer sleeves, since itapos;s colder in Germany than Texas) and a Halloween costume (so that when I get back everything is ready). I also need to go over everything that Iapos;m taking on the trip and get my bags packed so that Iapos;m all set to go Tuesday morning.

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Loving my placement at the moment Although Iapos;m not entirely happy with my mentors (but you canapos;t win them all) and the fact Iapos;ve had to work the last three weekends ... But in all, work is good All I need to do now is persuade the people that I work with that, yes, I am a third year and consquently I am quite capable of doing all the jobs they keep making me watch

Dissertation seems to have come to a standstill which is slightly disoncerting ... But Iapos;m going to get on with it this afternoon and see what I can acomplish

The only other thing is that my wisdom teeth are currently the bane of my life. The have been killing me for the past few days and itapos;s rather distracting
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Well, another day almost done.� Work was crazy busy at lunch. �Dinner was sufficiently busy, though much better staffed for the business.� The visit from Bandy �the new OVP was very short.... To the tune of about 7 minutes.� I�apparently did not receive the same drilling other GMs did due to the time constraints.� Talking to Bandy later I was told that the new OVP�was impressed with me considering I am working out a two week notice and still had a pretty good attitude at work.� :) �

Cecilia called me tonight on the way to meet her father for drinks.� It was a fun, joke-filled conversation; definintely a spirit picker-upper.� All-in-all, I�will call today a very good day.
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That I�can be in love with a man and simultaneously, not want to be in a relationship with him. I would like things to work out, Iapos;d like it if this happened to be my soul mate - the one i will spend the rest of my life with. I�want to be with him, I want to grow old with him, I want to travel with him, I�want to have kids with him, I want to make a home with him. But I�want to go to Spain, I�want to travel with friends, I want to experience life, I�want to make more mistakes in my life, I want to go out and make more memories for stories. And I donapos;t know if that includes him. I�donapos;t know if he would be right to be with him throughout this. Why couldnapos;t we have found each other years from now? When weapos;re ready to settle down together, when weapos;re looking for a partner for life? Why do I�have to love him but hold back and keep him at armapos;s length? Why canapos;t I�just give in, be tied to him, make sacrifices in my life for him, and be okay with never being single again? Why am I not okay with that? Why am I�scared of true commitment? I�think I�could commit to him, I�think we could make it work. But am I�ready to start now? I�canapos;t very well make him stay around for me, to wait for me. If I�tell him we cannot get back together now, he will move on and I will move on. Maybe we will move on. But what if I donapos;t move on? What if I�spend my life regretting losing the one real love Iapos;ve felt? I�think I could love another man, I�think Iapos;d find someone I�could be happy with. Maybe. Iapos;m so scared. I�am scared to give myself to him, I am scared to let him go. Iapos;m scared he will let go and I will have given myself to him, Iapos;m scared he will finally give himself to me and Iapos;ll have let him go in heartache. This is the most painfully confusing thing Iapos;ve ever had to decide on.

Someone tell me how it will turn out. Someone just let me know what to expect, what will make us both happy in life.
I�am so completely lost.
I am so completely torn.
I donapos;t know what to do.
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Im just really sad.

i do miss him i guess.

i feel like shit when im by myself.

im being so stupid...by calling..

wow it already been a month.
a month since he told me hes moved on,

a month since he told me he has a new baby..or babe..


wow.

why am i still stuck..
how long will it take me?

if hes happy without me,,then i have to respect that and move on too right?

but, how can i move on...should i be like him and get a new boyfriend?

but im not going to go fuck anyone..like he does..

thats not fair for my future husband.


you know what i miss?? ( your name should not be matthew because that was someone else..you can be a girl..hrm your name should be holly)//


i miss how cute he was everytime i bothered him..he would make this angry face or tell me to get off..but it was just so adorable i couldnt stop.

i miss going everywhere with him,, holding hands,,and whenever he kissed me on the cheek..i would feel goosbumps..
i miss eating at restauraunts,,and when i wanted hot sauce he would ask or get it..
i miss his..petty but witty remarks..
i miss how i could never win..

i miss him..

but what i dont miss
him,,checking out all the girls that walk by,,but deny that he did.
him cheating on me.
him hanging up on me,,ignroing me..
him being a fucking dick..
him lying..


so what am i to him?
nothing.
im still here. Im still hopelessly waiting without even knowing i am..
thinking about it every fucking day..

but hes making new memories, hes erased all of ours..
and im nothing to him.

im just something he did, something he experienced..

and i dont know what to do.


should i get with jj oppa?
i love his body...i loveeeeeeeeeeeeee his niceness,,his personality..how we can talk and talk..
but...damn it... You know waht the problem is holly??????/ its tooo superficiall..i canapos;t say..
but if your girl ..you should know too..ehheehehe...

i really do like his body and his clothes..

his body almost better than you know whos...





its been a month ..
a freaking month.
when will i be okay?

when???


god damn it.

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I have decided I have resolved
To wait upon you Lord
My rock and redeemer shield, and reward
Iapos;ll wait upon you Lord

Prechorus
As surely as the sun will rise
Youapos;ll come to us
As certain as the dawn appears

Chorus
Youapos;ll come let your glory fall
As you respond to us
Spirit Rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again
Youapos;ll come.

Verse 2
We are not shaken we are not moved
We wait upon you Lord
Mighty deliverer triumph and truth
We wait upon you Lord

As surely as the sun will rise youapos;ll come to us
Certain as your word endures.

CHORUS

Bridge
Chains be broken
Lives be healed
Eyes be opened
Christ is revealed

The best song, to describe what Im going through.
Heapos;ll come rebecca. He will

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