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That I�can be in love with a man and simultaneously, not want to be in a relationship with him. I would like things to work out, Iapos;d like it if this happened to be my soul mate - the one i will spend the rest of my life with. I�want to be with him, I want to grow old with him, I want to travel with him, I�want to have kids with him, I want to make a home with him. But I�want to go to Spain, I�want to travel with friends, I want to experience life, I�want to make more mistakes in my life, I want to go out and make more memories for stories. And I donapos;t know if that includes him. I�donapos;t know if he would be right to be with him throughout this. Why couldnapos;t we have found each other years from now? When weapos;re ready to settle down together, when weapos;re looking for a partner for life? Why do I�have to love him but hold back and keep him at armapos;s length? Why canapos;t I�just give in, be tied to him, make sacrifices in my life for him, and be okay with never being single again? Why am I not okay with that? Why am I�scared of true commitment? I�think I�could commit to him, I�think we could make it work. But am I�ready to start now? I�canapos;t very well make him stay around for me, to wait for me. If I�tell him we cannot get back together now, he will move on and I will move on. Maybe we will move on. But what if I donapos;t move on? What if I�spend my life regretting losing the one real love Iapos;ve felt? I�think I could love another man, I�think Iapos;d find someone I�could be happy with. Maybe. Iapos;m so scared. I�am scared to give myself to him, I am scared to let him go. Iapos;m scared he will let go and I will have given myself to him, Iapos;m scared he will finally give himself to me and Iapos;ll have let him go in heartache. This is the most painfully confusing thing Iapos;ve ever had to decide on.

Someone tell me how it will turn out. Someone just let me know what to expect, what will make us both happy in life.
I�am so completely lost.
I am so completely torn.
I donapos;t know what to do.
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